I have an addictive personality. I know that.
- I was overweight my entire life, and over 250lbs by the time I graduated
- I started drinking at 13, and binge drank regularly until I cleaned up at 16
- I stated doing drugs around 13 (I think?) and would binge on those as well
hmmm... seeing a theme here? I rarely have a "taste" of something. I marvel at the fact that people can have a bite of something and pass on the rest. I open a box of cookies? I eventually eat so many it just makes "sense" to finish off the box. Right.
Even to this day, I can have A drink- but the entire time I'm thinking about the next one after that. So I don't drink often. And I still have the same feelings with food; if I'm stressed out, my mind IMMEDIATELY thinks about the food I can eat to numb it.
It's kind of annoying; I'd really like to be over it. But alas, right now I'm not. I hope that some day I will be, but for now, I just have to keep trying to get better at dealing with emotions rather than immediately thinking about the vice I can use to run away from it.
All this heaviness to say, yesterday was stressful. And I wanted to EAT. Seriously, I was ready for a binge. Luckily my husband was around or I really think I might have. After talking with my husband about it, I just went to bed which was a huge help. Being awake was dangerous at that point!
It's a little frustrating that I still have that urge to binge, and not only that, that my mind instantly goes to food when I'm stressed. And honestly, my head thinks "Ooh, THAT will make me feel better!" and I have to stop myself and think- what on earth are you saying to yourself?! At least I'm getting better at recognizing it for what it is, that's a step in the right direction.
Today has been much much better. I'm hungrier than normal, which makes me think two long runs this week are catching up with me. So far today eats have been ok:
Breakfast- 1/2 c. oats with flax, almond butter, apple
Lunch- portabella chicken sandwich thing from Applebees (NASTY- ick. My mom loves Applebees, and I can't stand it. This was the best thing I could find on the menu, and definitely not worth it)
Snacks- 1/4 c. oatmeal with almond butter (I love this snack- so filling, most of the time- apparently not today though!), 2 rye crackers with laughing cow
Dinner- 1/2 c. lentil vegetable soup with a flatout wrap, a few bites of the crust of my husbands pizza :)
Snacks (what can I say, I love snacks!)- 1 cup thawed frozen berries, 1 fiberone key lime pie yogurt, unsweetened coconut, sprinkle of puffed rice and walnuts (so so good! the best I can do for a sundae when I'm not eating sweets)
I just guzzled two gigantic glasses of water in hopes that my stomach stays full. At this point, I could eat dinner. Again. What a weird hungry day! Love that tomorrow is Saturday. And I get to sleep in- triple word score.