long time coming.

This week has been crazy. Ca-to the ra-zy. Just one of those weeks, I think. We even had a fantastic surprise that I'll share tomorrow. Seriously, the story is just amazing and I can't do it justice right now with my 10:26 brain. I know, I'm a grandma. Can't help it!

So I did something the other day that was a long time coming, but something I'd been avoiding like the plague.

I stepped on the scale.

I had crazy mixed emotions about this. I struggled for a long time with obsessive behaviors with the scale (weighing myself up to 10 times a day, letting the number drastically effect my mood and eating patterns), so I just stopped over a year ago. I was also going through some health issues with digestion, and I had to change my diet anyway. At that point, I prayed to God that I would gain back 50 lbs if it meant feeling better, that's how bad it had gotten!

For awhile, all was well. It was really tough to stop weighing myself, but I knew it was for the best. But now? I needed to try it again.

I'm not stupid- I knew I'd gained some weight back. My pants have gone back up a size, and I generally just don't feel as good as I once did. But I wasn't sure stepping on that scale was the right thing either. What if I cried? What if I became depressed? What if the number was so grotesque I ran screaming from the building?

You know what? I had no emotion. I stepped on the scale, and saw I have gained 20 lbs back. Still, I was emotionless. Am I disappointed? Of course. I worked damn hard to lose that weight, and the thought of doing it all over again isn't appealing. But it is what it is. The past few months have been insanely stressful, and I haven't been taking care of myself. This was the proof I needed.

Honestly, I haven't decided how this will effect me. Obviously I need to do something differently; you don't gain 20 lbs by not overeating and exercising, at least that much I know. But does it mean a diet? Meh, probably not. I've been there, done that. I can't rule it out completely, but I'm not sold on the idea yet. If anything it's just made me more aware of my snacking. See, I'm still a healthy eater. I LOVE healthy food, and the way it makes me feel. But healthy food, while a better choice, still has calories. And too much healthy food will make you gain weight, just like a bucket of french fries.

I've often wondered how people that have lost a significant amount of weight gain it all back. I always thought there had to have been a point where they thought, "This is crazy, I need to get back on track." But maybe they didn't? Or maybe they did, and they just couldn't do it again. It was a road they'd already gone down, and they knew how hard it would be. Maybe they thought it wasn't worth it.

But I know for me, I will NOT gain this weight back. I'm listening right now, and I WILL stop this before it gets out of control. I don't hate myself, I'm not mad at myself, I'm... nothing. I'm on fire to get healthy again, but that's it. I'm excited to take control of my health again, but that's it. Here we go!