guilt.

Maybe it's the former Catholic in me, but I'm constantly feeling guilty about something. Anything. It doesn't matter what it is or what was said, but I immediately feel guilty.

I'm trying to get better about it as I get older. For one, no one likes a pushover. Really, they don't. I want to be someone who can stand up for myself in my life, career, whatever. And for two, it can only make my life better, since guilt isn't exactly a pleasant feeling.

I have guilt about food. I'll eat something and feel guilty either the entire time, or shortly after. Either in my head it wasn't healthy enough, or I'd already eaten too much today, or it was chock full of carbs (why am I still terrified of them?!), anything. Doesn't exactly make eating pleasurable, does it? And I have to be really careful, because reading blogs can actually make this much worse. If I see what someone else ate in a day, I immediately compare (women comparing themselves to other women- that's a whole post for another day!) what I ate and feel guilty for my choices. Not ok.

I have guilt about exercise. This one I just started noticing. Honestly, it's gotten ridiculous! If I go to the gym, I'll feel guilty that I didn't push myself hard enough. Or that I didn't work out long enough. And if I don't go? Look out- then the guilt REALLY sets in, all stinking day.

I have guilt about resting. This one is a biggie for me, and I don't mean it at all in a "oh my goodness, I'm just SUCH a hard worker tell me how great I am for working so hard and being so selfless" kind of gratuitous way. At first, that's really how it started. "If I just do this ONE thing, maybe then people will tell me what a great job I'm doing!"- you know the drill. I can work myself to death, and end up sick and (ahem, gain 20 lbs) miserable. Today for example, I decided to take a day off. We all need a good, solid day OFF. Duh, that whole sabbath thing? God totally knew what He was doing. A day to recharge, a day to relax the mind and body, a day to just... be! And then you can work hard those other six days. Brilliant.

So today, I decided to do just that. Then I got a call from one of my youth, about coming to a basketball game. How do you tell a 12 year old you can't come to his basketball game? Breaks my heart. I feel instantly guilty for not going, and I couldn't even say no, of course, I had to him and haw and say "well MAYBE I can make it".

It helps so much to get all this out and just realize where I place the guilt in my life. We're not supposed to have it, and life would be so much better if we LET GO OF IT! We completely bring it on ourselves, and anyone that tries to make us feel guilty is simply toxic. It's an emotion we don't need whatsoever, and I'm going to get rid of it.

Um, maybe. I'm not sure. Only if you think it's ok.