new workout idea!

Some days, workouts look like this:




And I think those are the most fun :)

It's spring break for the city of Minneapolis, which means I have a lot of bored kids on my hands. What did we do to solve that? Made pancakes and went to the park. What a blast! The weather right now is GORGEOUS, and it was so fun to just sit outside and play. This ended up being my workout for the day, and it was blissful. Who wants a sweaty, stinky gym when you can run out in the fresh air?

amazing!

I watched both episodes of Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" last night and... wow. Blown away. I think it's going to be a weekly show? But being the bum I am, I always catch TV when it's free on my computer :) You can watch it here if you're interested- it is completely worth it.

It really made me think more about kids and food. I work with youth, and honestly their diets are disgusting. They coat EVERYTHING in ranch dressing. Everything. Risotto? Yup. Lasagna? Yup. All of it. The only way I can get them to touch a vegetable is if it's covered in ranch, and only then it's carrots and nothing more. Fruit? Rarely. And only if it's from a can, coated in syrup.

This show had Jamie Oliver, a world-famous chef, going into a school and trying to revamp their food lunch program. The kids hated his food, which wasn't surprising. The saddest part was watching a 16 year old boy get tested for diabetes. The family's eating habits had become out of control.

The whole thing opened my eyes to just what the kids of this world are eating- pizza for breakfast (literally), chicken nuggets for lunch, and then chicken nuggets for dinner. Mind-boggling. Our ever-beautiful First Lady has also started taking notice of our kids' health, and has started initiatives to get childhood obesity under control. I can only pray that something, SOMETHING, works. Otherwise our kids have a bleak future. Ick.

In lighter news, today it hit 70 degrees in Minnesota!


Being that March is typically the snowiest month, this is the highlight of my life. I love me some sunshine. Tomorrow I'm taking a bunch of my youth to eat pancakes and then to the park to enjoy the gorgeous ABOVE 70 day! It's their spring break, and they hate it- what kid hates spring break?! They say it's awful because it's boring. Oh, to be 13 again :)

Get out and enjoy that sunshine with a long, slow, thoughtful walk. You definitely won't regret it!

what's YOUR empty well?

I'm going through a counseling program at my church. It's wonderful and awful all at the same time. You basically deal with your emotions, the ones you shove way down and try and cover up with other things. Or you try and find your identity in something- your job, your body, a relationship, anything. You throw everything you have into it, thinking "if I could just get THIS under control, my life would be perfect!".

But it's an "empty well". You keep trying to fill it up, but it never works. So then you feel like a failure, like you're doing something wrong. So you push harder, put more into the well. But it's not working. You end up frustrated, miserable, and feeling like a horrible person. You're nasty to be around, and unhappy even with yourself. Recognize the cycle?

One of my "empty wells" is most certainly control in every aspect. If I can control x, everything will be roses! If I can control my food, I'll be happy. If I can get my work under control, everything will be perfect. If I could control my husband's choices, THEN we'd have a great marriage. If I just get my exercise under control, I'll finally lose weight.

The problem is there's so much more to it. There's so much underneath all of that, and ultimately, it's that desire for control that will be my demise, pulling me away from everyone and everything around me. I don't mean to be dramatic, but it's so true for me. The more I try and control my husband, the less time he wants to spend with me (who wants to be controlled?!). The more I try and control my food and exercise every second, the angrier I become with myself.

This was a light bulb moment for me! I still think it's perfectly ok to want to (and actively try to) lose weight. But there's a line between HEALTHY and OBSESSIVE. And you can cross it before you know it. By giving up the control I feel I need to have, and roll with the punches from time to time (re: no panic attacks when a food shows up that I don't know the calorie count for or I *gasp!* miss a workout), I'll stay on the right side of the line. Amen. Now I just need to put that into practice :)

Sidenote: I'm watching Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" online right now and I'm in love. Oh. My. Goodness. I can't wait to write more about it!

the return!

I'm back, finally! It was a short trip, but it completely wiped me out. We got in late Sunday night (after working all day Sunday, then traveling) and my friend picking us up from the airport got in an accident on the way- nice. She ended up cracking her radiator, so we had to pull over at a gas station and have her car towed. We finally made it back to her house about 1 am, and crashed about 2 or 2:30? Because I'm slowly (or quickly) becoming my Grandma, I woke up at 8 WIDE AWAKE.

Monday- we were off to a full day of New Orleans fun. We went to see my friend try on her wedding dress (I LOVE WEDDING DRESSES!), and had lunch at an awesome little hole-in-the-wall bar/po' boy shop. If you don't know the beauty that is a po' boy, let me enlighten you. Big crusty bread as the base, then you choose the protein (meat, shrimp, veggie, potato, turkey, pretty much anything!), then it's all "dressed" with a pepper/onion mix, mustard, mayo, geez. Needless to say I'm not at all surprised Louisiana is one of the unhealthiest States. I ate all the middle, but no bread. I just couldn't do it!

Tuesday- up bright and early to go visit my friend's school (she does Teach for America, which is like AmeriCorp to get great teachers into inner city "bad" schools) and it was humbling. The building was falling apart, they had NOTHING, and the kids were... tough. I just can't imagine. She's my hero! Then we were off to the French Quarter for the day and it was beautiful- such gorgeous weather. The Quarter is the classic area of Mardi Gras and what most people associate New Orleans with. It's wild, busy and the architecture is incredible. We walked and walked, and had a beignet (a little doughnut covered in powdered sugar) and eventually a daiquri. Which came with a shot of alcohol. I'm also not surprised everyone in New Orleans is drunk.

We ended the day with a great trip for ice cream (um, sorry Jesus. Lent doesn't count on Spring Break, right?!)- or sorbet in my case- that we ate at a park right across from Tulane University.

Then it was time to come home! So sad to leave. I love New Orleans so much, which surprises a lot of people. In the faith community, New Orleans is often thought of as "the Devil's city" and that its debauchery is not for the faint of heart. But clearly I don't go for that, and I find it's history and surroundings incredible. The architecture is unlike anything I've seen. The people are relaxed and friendly. And it's just SO MUCH FUN! Everyone everywhere is smiling and just so happy to be there. I love it!

And then I worked a marathon day yesterday. Nothing like being thrown right back in, eh? But today I have off, so that makes up for it :) As soon as I get some pictures I'll post them up for all to see. Until then, it's right back to healthy eating. I was really impressed with the balance I used on vacation. Sure, I ate some things that weren't the healthiest (French pastries, margaritas the size of my head) but I did something I don't normally do- I listened to my body. If I wasn't hungry, I didn't eat. I had a daiquri for lunch one day because it's what I wanted, and after finishing, I wasn't hungry. Not ideal, but the "old" me would have enjoyed a great FULL lunch because "I WAS ON VACATION!" This is the time for gluttony! But not this time- I ate when I was hungry, ate what I was craving, and stopped when I was full. I'm calling that a success!

stress + food = bad idea!

I have an addictive personality. I know that.

- I was overweight my entire life, and over 250lbs by the time I graduated

- I started drinking at 13, and binge drank regularly until I cleaned up at 16

- I stated doing drugs around 13 (I think?) and would binge on those as well

hmmm... seeing a theme here? I rarely have a "taste" of something. I marvel at the fact that people can have a bite of something and pass on the rest. I open a box of cookies? I eventually eat so many it just makes "sense" to finish off the box. Right.

Even to this day, I can have A drink- but the entire time I'm thinking about the next one after that. So I don't drink often. And I still have the same feelings with food; if I'm stressed out, my mind IMMEDIATELY thinks about the food I can eat to numb it.

It's kind of annoying; I'd really like to be over it. But alas, right now I'm not. I hope that some day I will be, but for now, I just have to keep trying to get better at dealing with emotions rather than immediately thinking about the vice I can use to run away from it.

All this heaviness to say, yesterday was stressful. And I wanted to EAT. Seriously, I was ready for a binge. Luckily my husband was around or I really think I might have. After talking with my husband about it, I just went to bed which was a huge help. Being awake was dangerous at that point!

It's a little frustrating that I still have that urge to binge, and not only that, that my mind instantly goes to food when I'm stressed. And honestly, my head thinks "Ooh, THAT will make me feel better!" and I have to stop myself and think- what on earth are you saying to yourself?! At least I'm getting better at recognizing it for what it is, that's a step in the right direction.

Today has been much much better. I'm hungrier than normal, which makes me think two long runs this week are catching up with me. So far today eats have been ok:

Breakfast- 1/2 c. oats with flax, almond butter, apple

Lunch- portabella chicken sandwich thing from Applebees (NASTY- ick. My mom loves Applebees, and I can't stand it. This was the best thing I could find on the menu, and definitely not worth it)

Snacks- 1/4 c. oatmeal with almond butter (I love this snack- so filling, most of the time- apparently not today though!), 2 rye crackers with laughing cow

Dinner- 1/2 c. lentil vegetable soup with a flatout wrap, a few bites of the crust of my husbands pizza :)

Snacks (what can I say, I love snacks!)- 1 cup thawed frozen berries, 1 fiberone key lime pie yogurt, unsweetened coconut, sprinkle of puffed rice and walnuts (so so good! the best I can do for a sundae when I'm not eating sweets)

I just guzzled two gigantic glasses of water in hopes that my stomach stays full. At this point, I could eat dinner. Again. What a weird hungry day! Love that tomorrow is Saturday. And I get to sleep in- triple word score.

it's Thursday!

Which means:

I woke up, threw on some clothes, ran to work, inhaled a bowl of oatmeal (plain, cooked in water, which was surprisingly good- with a T. of peanut butter), work work worked, staff meeting, and inhaled this lunch:
(really really good for a frozen burrito!)

... and flew over to campus for my afternoon class, where I'll sit for 3+ hours, then jet off to pick kids up at school, go back across town to youth group until 9. Whew. Thursdays wear me out. It's all wonderful things and I love them though, which is KEY. I could never ever maintain my busy and hectic lifestyle if it were things I didn't want to do. I have a hard enough time some days where it seems like I haven't had a chance to breathe... and I LOVE what I do. Imagine if I hated it? Ick.

One year ago last spring I took a HUGE leap of faith and left my full-time teaching job. I liked it ok, but it was not at all what I wanted to do long-term. It was now or never, and I took the plunge; I quit, went back to school, became an intern (at 25- yikes) and learned to live a simpler life. We've given up a lot as far as monetary "things" go (we sold a beautiful home to rent, we can't go out for dinner like we used to, things like that), but I wouldn't trade it for a second. I had to really evaluate what I was doing with my days- time is so so precious. I needed to be doing something (or at least working toward) that I loved, or at least didn't want to claw my eyes out every day.

I'm insanely lucky to have an amazing husband who told me to jump- and held my hand right there the entire time, even when we had no idea what that meant! It's taken a year, but things are finally falling into place. I just forget sometimes how much courage that leap really took. I could have stayed at my job, I could have passed the time, I never HAD to finish my degree. But now? I'm so much happier. My anxiety (which was literally making me sick and wreaking havoc on my body) has gone away. I wake up so excited about what the day will bring. And the future? I still have no clue, but I'm really excited to see what unfolds :)

a green snack!

... and I totally spaced taking the picture. Forgiveness please.

I finally got around to using the coupons for free Fiber One Yogurt we got at the PriorFatGirl meet up. They're not sold at Trader Joe's, so the fact that I actually sought these out is saying something in itself!

The verdict?

They're good, for what they are. I mean that in the nicest way.

The good?
- 0 WW Points (or only 50 calories)
- a great sweet alternative (I debated whether or not these fell into the "sweets" category per my Lenten goals, and decided they weren't)
- easy and portable
- actually filling for few calories

The bad?
- ingredient list longer than my arm
- many ingredients I can't pronounce
- expensive

I had one container over some thawed frozen berries and mixed in a little plain Greek yogurt to lessen the artificially sweetened taste. And sprinkled some unsweetened coconut on top. And a few rice puffs. It was a really really good snack! I don't know if I'd ever buy these with my own money, but hey, they were free. And the key lime pie flavor was a GREAT St. Patty's Day treat :)

Now onto the festivities! Wahoo! Our small group (Bible study-like hang out time) is having a "fun night" and playing games, bringing green snacks, and overall GREEN merriment. This is my FAVORITE holiday, not sure why. It's just so much fun! It's my first year not teaching preschool, and I'm feeling a little lacking in the fun shamrock times (I feel the need to stamp a shamrock out of a green pepper or make a green construction paper chain!), so tonight should make up for it :) Be safe, and have fun!

no time to celebrate.

In lieu of my last minute vacation (having nothing at all to do with the fact that I'm a mega procrastinator of the highest order), I have four papers to write today. Triple eek! I've managed to accomplish three of the four before noon (Hallelujah!) and the last one isn't too pressing, so I might just put it off. Go figure :)

I forgot to have a green breakfast, but you can only make oatmeal cooked in water so green without it just being funky. My apple had a little bit of green skin, so that counts, right? And some almond butter. Mmmmm.

Lunch more than made up for it- I'm hopped up on caffeine and adrenaline, and need to be brought back down to earth with a stomach full of veggies :) Roasted broccoli, one yellow potato, some carrots and onion. They're still cooking and I can't wait to devour them! I also had a wrap with some turkey, Laughing Cow and artichoke hearts. It was shockingly delicious for something so simple. And you know what rocked my world today? I found out the wraps I have (um, Flatout I think?) are only 1 POINT A PIECE! Made my day.

The one and only picture I've managed today- whoops. I'd love to take more pictures (I think its much more fun to read with pictures), but am in desperate need of a new camera. Some day, perhaps.

I'm off to inhale those vegetables and then off for a good long run in the SUNSHINE!! I need to burn off some caffeine, and have maybe even crank out that last paper.... which would make this Green Day even better (as if it needed it) :)

surprise getaway!

Another one! I know, I'm so hip :)

Today I booked a last minute flight to...



New Orleans!

By far one of my top places in the whole world. I just love love love it! The culture, the people, the fun- amazing! I went 2 years ago to do some post-Katrina rebuilding (and you would have thought the hurricane had happened the day before- don't even get me started), and fell in love. I have a friend teaching there who is done in the spring, so this was my last opportunity to visit her there. I can't wait! I leave Sunday and come back Tuesday. So a short trip, but totally and complete worth it :)

Today has been rather uneventful. I'm just feeling bloated and blah, and really happy to be in my sweatpants and relaxing. I had a pile of roasted vegetables for dinner (that I used to chase the Happy Hour beer I had after work), and then a bowl of cereal (I'm an addict, I know). Sometimes you just need to eat what you're craving, you know? Especially during that special, womanly time, when you've given up all sweets for Lent. D'oh.

good or bad?

First day counting Points, complete! It actually went really really well, much better than I expected. I always revert back to Points (the Weight Watchers program) for some reason, and it's easier for me than counting calories. I have no idea why! Essentially it's the same thing, but maybe it's the smaller numbers? I generally don't like numbers, which is possibly the reason :) And I know it works; it's so comforting to me, like an old blanket. Ah, Weight Watchers, we've met before!

I also had my first fantastic run of the year, clocking in at 6 miles! It felt FANTASTIC! Completely renewed my faith for the marathon :) Never judge your running status on the first run of the season. You will ALWAYS be slower, exhausted, and out of shape. Like a bear after a long winter. But today was SO MUCH EASIER! Not easy (because running will never come easy for me), but easiER, definitely.

I started thinking last night about reading blogs, after reading KK's fantastic comment "It is great to want to healthy. Just remember, healthy for your body is different than healthy for anyone else!!". Reading blogs, at first, gave me a very distorted image of how/what I should be eating, what it looks like to be healthy, how much you should be exercising, etc. I'd read what someone ate one day and think "Holy crap, THAT'S why I'm not losing weight, clearly I need to eat like them!" or "They exercise so much and look so great, that's what I need to do". I loved reading about people's positive take on eating a healthful diet intuitively and not having to watch what they eat (in the counting sense) and I longed for that. Well, I still do.

And that's where I went over the edge. I wanted to give that up, but I wasn't near ready. I was comparing myself to others, and it wasn't good for me at all. I've come to terms with the fact that I will likely never be able to just eat mindfully or intuitively. At first it was hard for me to even write that, but honestly, it's true. Do I wish I could just eat what I want, in moderation, and maintain a healthy weight? Of course! I will always hope I can do that, and pray for it, but I have to be ready for that NOT to happen. At least until I get a better mindset around food, and recognize what it takes for ME to be healthy. Not skinny, not the body of anyone else, healthy for ME. Not comparing myself to what others are or aren't eating, how much and what they're doing for exercise, just what it takes for ME to feel great.

I've now come to a place where I can read blogs and they're helpful, informative and fun. They don't effect me or my choices at all, because I've finally (FINALLY!) reached a place where I know what I need to do to feel healthy.

What about you? Do you think reading blogs is good or bad for your mindset?
I'm so curious!

thoughts on dieting.

First things first: this DELICIOUS repeat breakfast! Cran-apple oatmeal, again. I think I only have one serving of apples left (which are horridly brown, but work perfectly in oatmeal!) which makes me sad. So good! I even have a pictures this time:


I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I couldn't get out of bed this morning at 7. Normally I wake up anywhere between 5:45 and 6:30, but I was positively exhausted this morning! Then I remembered the time change, and the fact that I had nowhere to be until 1:00 :) So there really was no reason to get out of bed anyway! I finally pried my eyes open about 7:30 and had some coffee. Automatic timer for coffee = reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I've been thinking a bit about dieting lately. I recently confessed I've gained somewhere around 20 lbs in the past year. Basically, since I quit "dieting" and weighing myself. I also confessed I'm pretty indifferent to that number, which is a GOOD THING. It didn't shatter me, upset me, or freak me out; it just is what it is. You have no idea what a huge step that is for me. In my heyday, a gain of 2 lbs would flip me the stink out. Think sobbing. Hysterical. Yeah, I was a basket case.

So I'm relieved to have that part of me gone and done with. But gaining 20 lbs in a year (no matter how stressful) is NOT GOOD for your body at all. And it means I'm doing something wrong, because if I'm not overeating and exercising a healthy amount, I shouldn't gain weight. At the very least I should maintain. So I had to sit and think about this for awhile.

Actually, I had to sit and pray. Because that's what I do. I had to really sit and listen and hear if this was a good idea or not. I don't want to become body obsessed, but I also don't want to continue these freaky behaviors around food (bingeing, the constant need for MORE, always thinking about food, etc.).

I finally heard something that made me happy, and made me excited: it's ok to want to be healthy. Dieting gets a bad rap, as most rightly should. But in the end, wanting to have a healthy body and eat healthy food is in no way a "bad" thing. I guess I've always worried in the past that it means I'm unhappy with me, as a person (there I go, attributing food and weight to emotion!) and the person God has created me to be. But that's not true at all. Actually, it's the opposite. One of the ways I can HONOR God is through having a healthy body, and not feeding it junk (or overfeeding it healthy food, in my case). LIGHTBULB!

I needed to get to a place where I was ready for this. I don't think I could have understood what that meant before; honoring God with my body and what I put into it. Before I just wanted to be skinny, plain and simple. Through the roller coaster of losing 100 lbs and gaining 20 back I've learned so much. I've learned how foods effect me. I've learned how foods make me feel. I've learned when my body feels the healthiest. And so much more. I've learned so much more about myself, about my relationships, about... everything. So deep, I know! But it's true. My husband came back from the war to a different person, and we needed some time to get to know each other again; and that meant I had to stop focusing on dieting for awhile. And I'm ok with that.

But now it's time for ME again :) I'm so excited to put into practice all I've learned and get healthy instead of dieting. I need this place to keep me in check. It will be a record of how I'm feeling, and I'll be able to actually see if things are getting out of hand. I like that. I need that.

Now time for a long run outside because I see the SUN!! How metaphorical :)

oh, Sunday.

Today was one of those days. The worst thing that can happen on a Sunday when you're on staff at a church is an email in your inbox saying "Pastor out sick- instructions". Yikes! Our Pastor's family has a horrific bout of stomach flu. It started early Wednesday morning (after I babysat for them Tuesday night- doubles yikes) with their youngest, who's two. Then mom got it, then in the middle of the night last night, dad. Ack! I ran out the door as soon as I got that email (I think it was 7? With daylight savings, I can't even think about that!) and sprang into action. Luckily everything went smoothly, but you know how when days start out crazily they just never seem to go right? Yeah.

I went out for a friend for a beer and lunch afterwards, and it hit. the. spot. I always forget I'll want a glass of wine or a beer on a Sunday (because I'm classy like that) until it's too late, and I'm not in the mood to drive to Wisconsin ;) I had a veggie burger (delicious!) and a side salad instead of fries (mediocre).

I came home and CRASHED. Hard. Normally I don't nap on Sundays because I have to get up early, but the kids I take to school are on SPRING BREAK next week, which means I GET TO SLEEP IN! Excuse the excessive caps use, but this is warranted. I love me some sleep.

And I proceeded to eat. I inhaled two bowls of cereal (air puffed corn and rice, which is basically nothing, but it solves my desire for cereal) because I can never ever stop at one, and passed out. When I woke up, I hung around for awhile and by 7:30 felt like I should eat dinner. I wasn't starving, but I also didn't want to eat at 9. I made the best sandwich I had in long long time. Sandwich thin with artichokes and pepperjack in the broiler, topped with tabbouli and hummus. SO GOOD! I had a few apple slices on the side, and then proceeded to eat about two servings of tortilla chips. I'm an addict! I finally made myself eat a grapefruit in the hopes that the sour taste would change my taste buds (I have no idea if that's scientific, but it worked!) and now I'm perfectly content.

I try and avoid emotions with food, but today, that's exactly what it was. I was exhausted, stressed, and just wanted to eat. Not good. But some days, it happens. Tomorrow will be better.

And now I'm out of words. So here are a few pictures from the lovely "vacations" I had the past few weekends- lovely!

Gooseberry Falls, so pretty. I LOVE hiking in the winter, it's decided. It's amazing how much everything changes for winter, but it's so pretty!
This was my favorite. So I was really interested in all the animal tracks we kept seeing, and I could not figure out what this one was. Until my husband said, "Um, it's your shoe. From the way in."

Here I am, waving hello! At this point I started quoting the movie Elf, like the part when he broke off on the ice and the Norwahl came up and said "Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad!" and I laughed very hard. At myself. Per usual.

Loverly.

This was my favorite. So I was really interested in all the animal tracks we kept seeing, and I could not figure out what this one was. Until my husband said, "Um, it's your shoe. From the way in."

best oatmeal EVER!

That's a bold statement for someone that's eaten oatmeal for breakfast almost every single day for years. But honestly, this was one of the best bowls I've had in so long! We serve a meal at a soup kitchen once a month, and had TONS of leftover, already cut apples. So I need to use them, well, today. I'll be eating LOTS of apple-themed meals today, that's for sure!

Cran-Apple Oatmeal

-1 apple, chopped (peeled if you want, but doesn't have to be)
- handful of frozen cranberries
- 1/4 cup oatmeal (rolled oats)
- 1/4 cup oatbran (I love the combo- it makes it creamy AND chewy)
- 1 1/2 cups water (or you can do 1/2 milk of your choice and 1/2 water)
- cinnamon, vanilla, whatever spices you'd like
- coconut oil
- toppings (I had crushed walnuts, which were perfect, and about a teaspoon of Maple Agave syrup, which I'd omit next time. I was afraid it wouldn't be sweet enough with the cranberries, but the apples sweetened it plenty)

First chop apple and put in a pot with some cinnamon. Cook on medium for a few minutes, until apples are soft. I added the cranberries with the liquid, but you could add them here too. Add liquid and grains and stir it all up. Add spices (I use 1 t. vanilla and a whole lotta cinnamon, but it's definitely to your tastes!). Let that all cook until you're desired consistency (it really depends on how much liquid you use and how you like your oatmeal. I like mine thicker, so this took about 10-15 minutes to cook). At the end, add 1 T. of coconut oil (ESSENTIAL- adds ultimate creaminess and healthy fats). Dump into a bowl, then add toppings to your hearts delight!

I really loved this bowl. The flavors were spot-on! I realized after that I didn't add my usual ground flax, but between the walnuts and oil there were plenty of healthy fats. I'll have to find another use for the flax later :) I just wasn't feeling the almond butter today; normally nut butters on oats are my favorite. Maybe I'm OD'ing slightly, which can't be a bad thing. Nut butters are good and all, but when you're eating them from the jar, with a spoon, several times a day, an intervention needs to happen :)

guilt.

Maybe it's the former Catholic in me, but I'm constantly feeling guilty about something. Anything. It doesn't matter what it is or what was said, but I immediately feel guilty.

I'm trying to get better about it as I get older. For one, no one likes a pushover. Really, they don't. I want to be someone who can stand up for myself in my life, career, whatever. And for two, it can only make my life better, since guilt isn't exactly a pleasant feeling.

I have guilt about food. I'll eat something and feel guilty either the entire time, or shortly after. Either in my head it wasn't healthy enough, or I'd already eaten too much today, or it was chock full of carbs (why am I still terrified of them?!), anything. Doesn't exactly make eating pleasurable, does it? And I have to be really careful, because reading blogs can actually make this much worse. If I see what someone else ate in a day, I immediately compare (women comparing themselves to other women- that's a whole post for another day!) what I ate and feel guilty for my choices. Not ok.

I have guilt about exercise. This one I just started noticing. Honestly, it's gotten ridiculous! If I go to the gym, I'll feel guilty that I didn't push myself hard enough. Or that I didn't work out long enough. And if I don't go? Look out- then the guilt REALLY sets in, all stinking day.

I have guilt about resting. This one is a biggie for me, and I don't mean it at all in a "oh my goodness, I'm just SUCH a hard worker tell me how great I am for working so hard and being so selfless" kind of gratuitous way. At first, that's really how it started. "If I just do this ONE thing, maybe then people will tell me what a great job I'm doing!"- you know the drill. I can work myself to death, and end up sick and (ahem, gain 20 lbs) miserable. Today for example, I decided to take a day off. We all need a good, solid day OFF. Duh, that whole sabbath thing? God totally knew what He was doing. A day to recharge, a day to relax the mind and body, a day to just... be! And then you can work hard those other six days. Brilliant.

So today, I decided to do just that. Then I got a call from one of my youth, about coming to a basketball game. How do you tell a 12 year old you can't come to his basketball game? Breaks my heart. I feel instantly guilty for not going, and I couldn't even say no, of course, I had to him and haw and say "well MAYBE I can make it".

It helps so much to get all this out and just realize where I place the guilt in my life. We're not supposed to have it, and life would be so much better if we LET GO OF IT! We completely bring it on ourselves, and anyone that tries to make us feel guilty is simply toxic. It's an emotion we don't need whatsoever, and I'm going to get rid of it.

Um, maybe. I'm not sure. Only if you think it's ok.

long time coming.

This week has been crazy. Ca-to the ra-zy. Just one of those weeks, I think. We even had a fantastic surprise that I'll share tomorrow. Seriously, the story is just amazing and I can't do it justice right now with my 10:26 brain. I know, I'm a grandma. Can't help it!

So I did something the other day that was a long time coming, but something I'd been avoiding like the plague.

I stepped on the scale.

I had crazy mixed emotions about this. I struggled for a long time with obsessive behaviors with the scale (weighing myself up to 10 times a day, letting the number drastically effect my mood and eating patterns), so I just stopped over a year ago. I was also going through some health issues with digestion, and I had to change my diet anyway. At that point, I prayed to God that I would gain back 50 lbs if it meant feeling better, that's how bad it had gotten!

For awhile, all was well. It was really tough to stop weighing myself, but I knew it was for the best. But now? I needed to try it again.

I'm not stupid- I knew I'd gained some weight back. My pants have gone back up a size, and I generally just don't feel as good as I once did. But I wasn't sure stepping on that scale was the right thing either. What if I cried? What if I became depressed? What if the number was so grotesque I ran screaming from the building?

You know what? I had no emotion. I stepped on the scale, and saw I have gained 20 lbs back. Still, I was emotionless. Am I disappointed? Of course. I worked damn hard to lose that weight, and the thought of doing it all over again isn't appealing. But it is what it is. The past few months have been insanely stressful, and I haven't been taking care of myself. This was the proof I needed.

Honestly, I haven't decided how this will effect me. Obviously I need to do something differently; you don't gain 20 lbs by not overeating and exercising, at least that much I know. But does it mean a diet? Meh, probably not. I've been there, done that. I can't rule it out completely, but I'm not sold on the idea yet. If anything it's just made me more aware of my snacking. See, I'm still a healthy eater. I LOVE healthy food, and the way it makes me feel. But healthy food, while a better choice, still has calories. And too much healthy food will make you gain weight, just like a bucket of french fries.

I've often wondered how people that have lost a significant amount of weight gain it all back. I always thought there had to have been a point where they thought, "This is crazy, I need to get back on track." But maybe they didn't? Or maybe they did, and they just couldn't do it again. It was a road they'd already gone down, and they knew how hard it would be. Maybe they thought it wasn't worth it.

But I know for me, I will NOT gain this weight back. I'm listening right now, and I WILL stop this before it gets out of control. I don't hate myself, I'm not mad at myself, I'm... nothing. I'm on fire to get healthy again, but that's it. I'm excited to take control of my health again, but that's it. Here we go!

need a good read?

This book helped me so much when I first lost weight. I was so confused in my new body; I didn't feel like myself any more, ya know? I mean I felt great, but I had no idea who I'd become. And to make matters worse, the people around me didn't know who I'd become either! I remember journalling and just pouring my heart out, feeling like I was the only person to ever have felt this way (cue violins, geesh!). But seriously, it was real emotion.

*I was deathly afraid (and still am- the book isn't a cure all!) of gaining the weight back

*I was terrified to stop exercising every single day, no matter what

*Food scared the sh*t out of me

*Parties scared the sh*t out of me (all that food that I had strategically taken out of my life was back!)

You get the idea. It was my only little nightmare. I just wanted to NOT THINK ABOUT FOOD! I felt like there was so much more I'd rather use my few remaining brain cells for (a former pot-head and binge drinker- I don't have many left!) than what goes into my mouth at all hours of the day.

Anyway, if you've had any of these emotions (and I'm sure we all have!), I highly highly suggest this book. Even if you're not "at goal" yet, I wish so badly I had thought about these things before (or even during) the weight loss to save myself some major emotional baggage later on. Who's to say it wouldn't have come anyway, but I might have at least dealt with it better.

Apparently through this post I've learned I REALLY like parentheses. I'm now off to the gym to get this day started right! Happy Hump Day! Am I the only one that needs some SUN in Minnesota today?! No more clouds and rain, please!

and I'm back!

Whoa, what a weekend! We left Friday afternoon to an undisclosed location and ended up about 40 minutes out of the city to visit friends in Harris, MN. Not exactly a "vacation" but we had a BLAST! Sometimes any getaway, even small, is just what you need. We had a great time.

And then it was Saturday (we got home early evening) and I went into uber-Saturday Planning Mode. I had to finish my sermon (er, or start it. whoops.) and organize rides for the youth. I finally crashed in bed at about 10.

Then it was Sunday. Sundays for me are a work day (I intern at a church), so they're definitely not a day of rest! I was up and out the door by 7 am, and got home about... 4? I honestly don't even remember the rest of the night. My mind is BLANK by Sunday night! I've given up all sweets and TV (while I'm alone) for Lent, and all I wanted was a big piece of cake. And to watch some Gilmore Girls. But my husband was gone, so it was no TV for this girl. I honestly just went to bed at 8:30 after reading for a few minutes and called it quits. I needed some sleep.

Then, MONDAY! Mondays typically mean homework and class, but not this week because it's... Spring Break! Which doesn't mean much when you only have two classes on campus and still have to write the papers that are due next week. Drat. Ah well, I had a fun day anyway! A friend and I drove up to GORGEOUS Gooseberry Falls (about 20 minutes outside of Duluth, on the North Shore) and it was spectacular. A little chilly, but I just needed to be outside in the fresh air. Lovely. We hiked around, had lunch (the best tomato soup I've ever eaten!), and then drove home. Blast.

Now today, is... Tuesday? Gah, the days are running together! With my Spring Break status, that means I can work a full 12-hour day on Thursday (normally I leave for a few hours in the afternoon for class), so today I go in late. I slept in, with nowhere I HAD to be right away, for the first time in months. Possibly longer. It was pure bliss right here on this earth. I made it all the way until 7:30 (wild girl, I know!) and then had a leisurely morning of breakfast and catchup cleaning around this place. Things were starting to grow.

I tried something new today that was absolutely delicious- yogurt on top of oatmeal? I thought it might make me gag, but alas, it was really really good. Try it sometime. You might not regret it! I say might, because, well, the sound of it still sicks me out. So chances are you won't like it. Gotta cover all my bases :)

I hope to post some lovely pictures and update in a real way by tomorrow. For now, I just found out my cousin is in labor, so it's another exciting day around here! She's having the first Great Grandbaby, so our family's a little excited :) Can't wait!

my story.

I'm currently basking on the warm beaches of...? I have no idea! My husband surprised me with a "get away" this weekend (well, Friday night to be exact. When you work for a church you lose all normal semblance of a weekend!) and while I'd like to imagine we're jetting off to Hawaii, more likely we're on the beaches of the North Shore in Duluth, Minnesota. I thought this the perfect time to regale you with a little Angie History! Enjoy :)

I don't have many "pre-weightloss" pictures. For realz. They've almost all been replaced with newer pictures. My mom even took down my senior picture (thank the good Lord!) with my mandatory class picture from my first year teaching. And I'm perfectly ok with that.

I was ALWAYS overweight, as far back as I can remember. The size I'm at now (which is still "overweight", by most standards) is the smallest I remember being- ever. I'm talking elementary school. Possibly in 5th or 6th grade I was this size, but I know for a fact by 8th grade I was wearing a size 18, and now I'm in a 10-12. So it could have even been younger, yikes.

Since I was fat, I thought I had to drink copiously and do drugs copiously to fit in. Baddddd choice. I started when I was 13 (a baby, I know!) and finally sobered up when I was 16 and my mom had an alcohol-induced stroke. That was eye-opening.

I gradually gained more and more weight, and by high school I was wearing a size 24. No idea what I weighed, but it was somewhere in the 240 range. Went off to college, gained more weight. Now I was in the 260 range. The weird part? I never really cared, honestly. I mean if someone granted me a wish to magically be thin of course I would have done it, but it wasn't a huge thought for me; it just sort of, was.

I did the South Beach Diet one summer and lost a little weight- about 30 lbs I think? I was much happier and felt a lot better. I got married, started school at the Aveda Institute, and generally had a blast. My husband was deployed to Iraq (not so good) for two years, and I was distracting myself with a year of something I'd always wanted to do (or so I thought!). I met my best friend in the whole world there, and she wanted to get healthy. We started Weight Watchers together, and it was the best decision I ever made.

She didn't last long, but I had come to love the program and was seeing great results. I stuck it out, and when my husband came back (after a two year deployment, 9 months of weight loss) I had lost 50 lbs and felt fantastic.

But, it quickly spiraled into a very unhealthy obsession, and until someone was around to see it, I hadn't even noticed. My husband started commenting that I'd have a panic attack if I didn't know what was in food or how many calories it was, and that I would skip out on major events to make sure I got my exercise in. I would meticulously count everything that crossed my lips, and I just wouldn't eat if I thought it was "unhealthy". I would wake up at the crack of dawn and miss spending wonderful time with my husband just to exercise. I had reached the other end of the spectrum, and it wasn't good!

I also stopped getting my period, had horrible stomach cramping and wasn't going to the bathroom (number one was fine from the gallons of water, but it was number two that we had a problem with). I was eating little to no fat, I had decided to become vegan thinking that would help me limit myself, and I was exercising all the time. The problem was, I was still overweight, and I thought all those problems were just for "skinny people", never for someone like me, who still had weight to lose.

My husband sat me down and told me something had to change. I gave up calorie/Points counting, and I cried and cried for days. Honestly, the mental hold it had on me was HUGE. I had horrible anxiety about it, and it was just awful. I had this paralyzing fear that I was going to gain all the weight back (I'd never seen anyone in my life successfully maintain weight loss, so I didn't think it was possible!), and I was miserable.

Today: I'm better, but not great. I still have a mental battle every day over what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising, that sort of thing. I've gained a little weight back (10-20 lbs), but my stomach aches have gone away and my period has come back. I'm trying to be ok with where I'm at, but some days it's really really hard. I would like to lose more weight, honestly. But I want to do it in a healthy way. I want to get to a point where I just EAT, and I don't have to overanalyze everything. I know that day will come, but it might take awhile.

That's why I've started this blog; to help get out of my own head. To get my thoughts out here, to share my struggle with people that have lived it (and are living it). To help me understand that there's a connection between faith and food and our relationship with it, and healing can happen.

Thank you so much to all of you that pour your heart out every day to the webisphere. It takes guts to lay it all out like you do. For years now I've enjoyed reading along with you, and now I look forward to sharing the rest of my journey.

and now I'm off. For real this time.

I thought I'd be gone on my secret excursion by now, but we haven't left quite yet. So far I've gotten two cryptic emails telling me what to pack:

- outdoor clothes for tomorrow

- comfy clothes for dinner and going out tonight

I think it's hilarious that we're potentially doing something outside, since my husband is NOT a fan of Minnesota in the winter (he's a Southern boy). So he really put a lot of thought into this, since I love being outdoors in the winter!

I was famished this afternoon for some reason, and had two snacks. First was more of an after lunch dessert, since I ate it quickly after lunch. And looking back, my lunch was only about 250 calories, so no wonder I was still hungry! Especially after a lighter-than-normal breakfast.

THIS WAS SO GOOD!

1 apple, microwaved for one minute

1/2 cupish cottage cheese (nonfat Trader Joe's brand)

sprinkle of walnuts (maybe 1 Tablespoon?)

drizzle of Trader Joe's Cranberry Apple Butter (I should buy stock in TJ's, methinks)

sprinkle (about 1 T) Kashi GoLean Crunch for... crunch!

Mmmmm. So satisfying.

Then a little while later, I had this bowl of cereal. I have a confession to make; I'm ADDICTED to cereal! I love it. I've found the trick is I need to find the lowest calorie options to limit the number of calories I consume while eating it, since it's not going out of my life any time soon!


This was:

1 cup Puffed Rice (not Rice Krispies, but plain ol' puffed rice)
1/2 cup TJ's High Fiber worms
about 1/4 cup Kashi GoLean Crunch
Canned pumpkin remnants (about 1/2 cup)
spoon of Almond Butter- maybe 1/2 T?
a whole lotta Almond Breeze (unsweetened, vanilla)

Consume. Delicious.

And now we really are off! This is actually proving to be really really good for me. In the past whenever we've gone out of town I've been a little anxiety driven with panic about what/where we'll eat, if I'll be able to exercise, that sort of thing. It kind of consumes me, and I don't just relax and enjoy. This is absolutely forcing me to do that! The goal is MODERATION. Vacations are a part of life, they'll always be there. I need to learn how to add them into my life and function within them, instead of avoiding them.

Here's hoping :)

"breakfast", lunch and... I'm off!

I could not get hungry for breakfast this morning. Perhaps it was the three substantial snacks I had last night between 9 and 10? Most likely.

I finally made a smoothie around 9:30 because I knew I wanted to go to the gym later, and I knew I needed some fuel for that.

It was delicious! All those makings create one great smoothie. I even tried the salba we got at the PriorFatGirl get-together, and it was... ok? I really have no idea! You couldn't taste it at all. But I loved the nutritional panel, so I thought it was worth a try at least.

Just before the gym I wanted something else. Just... something. No idea what, but something delicious. Enter AB and J on toast! It was perfect. I love the Trader Joe's 40 calorie bread for quick fixes like these. On an every day basis I don't use it (it has a much longer list of ingredients than I typically like, and there are definitely better breads out there!), but sometimes you just need a vehicle for the PB and J taste (or AB and J, as this was). I keep a loaf in the freezer for just such an occasion! I almost forgot to take a picture, that's why you see the one bite I had left :)

A quick workout at the gym (15 minutes stairclimber + 15 minutes Arc Trainer + 20 minutesish lifting and abs) and I was back home before I knew it. Love that. I really wasn't in the mood at all to go, but I started visualizing the rest of my day if I didn't go; I'd probably feel guilty, bloated, and miserable. So I went, and never regretted it. You never regret a workout. My favorite motto!

Lunch was also quick. Not sure what's with all the speed today, but apparently I've got better things to do! I had a leftover Trader Joe's Chili Lime Chicken Patty (can you tell where I shop?) and I made a wrap out of it on a Flatout wrap with spinach, feta, BBQ sauce, pickle and taco sauce. It hit the spot. Carrots, cukes and hummus on the side, of course.

Taking pictures of what I've eaten has already saved me from a lot of mindless snacking. I'm trying to reign this in; I've definitely noticed more handfuls of crackers as I'm walking by, handfuls of nuts, that sort of thing. I think I might have to keep this up for awhile and see just what sort of magic happens!

perspective.

Sometimes, that's all it takes.

I'm all about the healthy eating discussion, food, anything possibly related to food and health... you get the idea. But part of starting this blog was that I didn't want to focus SOLELY on that. I want to find the connection between food and, well, life. Faith, family, work, everything. Because food is such a tiny aspect of who I am, but I still love love love talking about it :)

Tonight was one of those nights that really hit hard. I complain sometimes about the crud I have to deal with. We all have it; a crappy relationship, a crappy job, you're overweight and don't want to be, your family stinks, you're depressed, the list goes on and on. What I've learned in my (short) 25 years is that everyone has it, and everyone's is different. You can't compare yourself to anyone; like someone tells me they're upset because they're dealing with x, and I think "Man, I WISH that was my biggest problem!"... just doesn't work. Because it's THEIR problem, and to them, it IS the worst thing they

could be dealing with. Perspective.

I talked earlier about a minor "hissy fit" I had earlier this week. Honestly, it was ridiculous. I'll get into the full story another day, but we chose to sell our house in the suburbs last year to move into the city to work with inner city youth. There was some overlap, so we moved in with some friends who have a big room off the back of their house. It's saved us a ton of money, but I really really miss having my own bathroom, kitchen, and having ALONE time. It seems like there's always someone around here, and I just need to sit at times. So last week I just had a bad day, and really started to feel down about not having our own space. That's it- I know, right? What a baby. But it was real, it was mine, and it's over. Thank goodness.

Last night we had our weekly youth group. My kids are a.maz.ing. They're all from the inner city (in Minneapolis, that's North Minneapolis) and have really rough home lives. We were praying last night, and one of them brought up the fact that there were multiple shootings in their neighborhood last weekend, right down the street from their house. They wanted to pray for their neighborhood, that the violence would go away. That their families would be safe. That no one else would get shot.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that there's a much bigger world outside my bubble. I work with these kids every day, and I still get lost in my own problems sometimes. Worrying about our bodies, our health, exercise are all good and important things; but sometimes I think we just need to step out of that, just for a minute, to be reminded in the grand scheme of things? It's not EVERYTHING.

And with that, it's FRIDAY!! Wah-stinking-hoo. I love me some weekends <3

perfect!

turns out, a night off was exactly what I needed! I stayed home last night (we have small group, which is like a Bible study), went to bed at 9, and was raring to go at 5:30 for an awesome workout. Thursdays are typically my day off from the gym, so this was a bonus and it felt great. It took me a (long) while to get used to early morning workouts, and now I swear by them. By the end of the day, no matter what time I woke up, I DONE. There's just no mental (let alone physical!) energy left, and a morning workout seriously sets me up for a good day. It's like I don't want to undo all that hard work this morning? Not sure what it is, but it works great for me!

Yesterday I just ate what I was craving, and it was a HUGE step for me. I have major stomach issues at times and certain foods can wreak havoc on my system. Sometime in the past few days I'd eaten something that set me off, so I just was a miserable mess (might have contributed to my mini-funk yesterday, no?). I stayed away from vegetables, and ate what sounded good. I ended up eating oatmeal for two meals yesterday, and pancakes and scrambled eggs for dinner. Not my healthiest day, but honestly today I already feel so much better! Whatever it was must be getting out of my system.

Today it's back to at least semi-organized meals.

Oatbran for breakfast with pumpkin, walnuts and granola on top

leftover stirfry with tofu and cauliflower "rice" for lunch (we'll see how this goes- I'm a little nervous)

dinner-? Thursdays I eat dinner at work and it's always a fantastic meal! For those of you who are local, one of our staff members is also a cook at French Meadow in Uptown, and he makes a meal for us every week. Divine!

I've given up sweets for Lent. And I could really go for a piece of cake right now. The 40 days is almost up, right?!?

listening to your body.

This seems to be the hardest thing, doesn't it? Whether it's food or exercise, I just can't seem to do it. I have all these preconceived notions of what I SHOULD do; exercise x times this week, eat x servings of vegetables, only eat x number of carbs. I have no idea where they even came from, but I can't shake them. If I feel run down and tired, I still make myself exercise. If all I want is a bowl of cereal for dinner, I'll force myself to eat a salad. Huh??

Jen had a great (well, not GREAT, but you know what I mean) post today asking about having a healthy relationship with food, and what that looks like. To be honest, I have no. stinking. idea. You don't get to 260 lbs by 18 having a healthy relationship with food and knowing how to eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. Let's be real.

But I've been on the other side too; meticulously counting every morsel that crossed my lips, and freaking out if it was over my "allowance" for the day. Or exercising even when I'm so tired I want to cry, because I "have" to. Neither is healthy.

I want to believe that I can get to a healthy relationship with food, where it's not all or nothing. Where I'm not either a) on a diet or b) bingeing myself into oblivion. Right now though? I just don't see it.

Today I'm tired. Emotionally. Physically. Metaphorically. Realistically. All the -ally's you can imagine. I had a mini-hissy fit (yes, you can be 25 and still have them- any sentence that starts with "I just don't wanna!" constitutes one) last week about... everything. You know those moments when you just hate everything and NOTHING is going right? I don't want to study for the midterms looming over my head, I don't want to think about eating healthy food, I don't want to spend my precious sleeping minutes at the gym- that sort of thing. Just a big whiny baby.

So today I'm not going to the gym. I'm staying home tonight, and dodged my commitments. I'm going to read, relax, and get my head on straight. I ate oatmeal for breakfast and lunch, because that's what I wanted. This certainly won't solve all my problems, but at least the sun might shine a little brighter tomorrow morning.

spring?

It feels like spring here, finally! And it looks like we'll have a good stretch of 40 degree weather. I even saw some patio tables and chair outside of a coffeeshop this morning, AND, in true Minnesota fashion, a teenager in shorts yesterday. The markings of spring for sure.

And yesterday also marked my FIRST outdoor run of the season! To say it was less than stellar would be an understatement. I think I doubted this whole marathon thing about 30 times in the 37 minute run :) But I've come to realize that you NEVER mark your running endurance by the first outdoor run of the year. It just is so different from indoor running, and you have all season to get faster. Whew. I feel better already.

Hard to see the stats, but it

was 3.0 miles in 37 minutes. In my defense, I had a bathroom pit stop and LOTS of walking. Not sure if that's a defense of good or bad, but I'll chalk it up to a starting point and move on.

And check out THIS happy face post-run! Sunshine is a really really good thing.

I have had the most awful time sleeping the past two nights. I have no idea what it is, but I wake up and cannot for the life of me fall back asleep! I had another internal debate about a workout today.

First, I'm tired. I had to get up and drive some kids to school, or I would have happily stayed sleeping for a bit.

Second, it's midterm week. For my seminary course, we do two exams for a midterm, and two for a final. I just have been feeling blah lately and not studying like I should, and the exams are due this week (they're online, and we have a week to do them).

So I decided to take today to cram my little heart out and get both exams done. This means I likely won't get a workout in. And at first, my mind went crazy trying to make me feel guilty about it. That I was failing somehow, that I was a slacker, that I would magically gain back 100 lbs (gah, didn't that just happen yesterday?!), that sort of thing. And I seriously had to talk myself down from the ledge. I need to prioritize, and it is what it is. I need to get these exams out of the way, and honestly they're much more important than a workout. Tomorrow I can get up early and workout if I want to, but I don't have to. And I definitely don't have to punish myself by restricting food (a nasty habit I've gotten into, recently) or binge because that feels like the only other option. I apparently don't understand gray area- only extremes :)

It felt really good to get all that out. I feel a million times better already! Now, to study. Eek.

"recipe"

I use the term lightly. My husband thinks this is the weirdest thing, but I know there are people out there who would appreciate it!

Cauliflower "Rice"

I'm in no way implying that I created this dish. I'm sure 10 million people before me have done this, but I'm putting it here as if it's my own.

1 head of cauliflower

Steam cauliflower for 20 minutes (or so). You want the cauliflower to be firm still, but not raw.

I then put it in my Kitchenaid, on the lowest setting, with the paddle attachment and give it a whirl. It grinds it almost into pieces that look exactly like rice. You want to watch it and make sure it doesn't get TOO small, as it can whip into mashed potato-like consistency (which is delicious in its own right, but we're talking rice here people. That's for another day).

I had stirfry over it and it was delicious! I nice alternative if you're trying to cut calories in areas, or following a low-carb diet and don't eat rice. It's so simple, and honestly tastes delicious!

I'm not one for substitutions unless it's a food that I couldn't really care about, i.e., rice. I like rice, but I'd much rather have dessert later and save on these calories. Some foods are in the "worth it" category, and substitutions are just NOT worth it. But in this case? It is.

Enjoy!

and so it began!

Day one, and I'm still excited. Or maybe it's day two? Either way, this is great. I even took a picture of breakfast! This will likely not happen every day, but I'm going to ride this blogging-high while I've got it and take advantage :) Plus I actually had time to sit down and EAT breakfast today, which was well received. Typically I'm at the gym right now, but I could NOT sleep last night! I think it was a full moon? Gah, anyway. I took the morning off the gym for the extra sleep, and hopefully I'll go later. It's times like these I really have to let that inner monster down and not beat myself up for missing the gym. I know I needed the extra sleep, and my day will be so much better because of it. But there's still that something inside of me, that inner fat girl, saying that I'll gain all the weight back in some miraculous event because I missed this one gym day. Today, I'm rational. Some days, I actually believe that, and it would ruin my day.

On to more delicious things....

That there is 1/2 cup leftover brown rice, 1/4 oat bran, 1/2 cupish pumpkin, cooked in 1/2 cup Almond Breeze, 1 cup water, with spices and vanilla. Toppings? Oh yes, the best part! Dried cranberries, walnuts, and flaxseed. I tried to use some of the Salba we got at the PriorFatGirl event, but I couldn't for the life of me open it! So maybe for tomorrow.

When I was in Ireland, NOTHING went to waste. And they didn't have a microwave (i.e., hippies), so everything was made into leftovers. Whatever grain we had the night before was tossed in with the oatmeal, and it was so good! I still do that from time to time if I have a leftover grain that I won't use for other meals in the week. It bulks it up, and brown rice has a nice chew, if you're a texture eater.

Happy Tuesday, enjoy it!

First time for everything.

Well here it is, I did it! If you're reading this from the PriorFatGirl event that the lovely Jen put on for us Minneapolis bloggers this past weekend, welcome :) I tossed out the idea I had for a blog, and really felt compelled to actually do it.

Bear with me as I figure it all out. I managed to get the thing up and running, I'd say that's commendable at the very least! I'm not sure what it will all look like yet; pictures of food, no pictures of food, posting every day, not posting every day. Only time will tell...

For now, I'm just excited. Excited to be in this community and share my journey to health. Later today (or more let's be real, tomorrow) I'll share a little background info of my weight and journey. Hold your breath folks, I know you're excited!! :)