Wednesday, March 3, 2010

listening to your body.

This seems to be the hardest thing, doesn't it? Whether it's food or exercise, I just can't seem to do it. I have all these preconceived notions of what I SHOULD do; exercise x times this week, eat x servings of vegetables, only eat x number of carbs. I have no idea where they even came from, but I can't shake them. If I feel run down and tired, I still make myself exercise. If all I want is a bowl of cereal for dinner, I'll force myself to eat a salad. Huh??

Jen had a great (well, not GREAT, but you know what I mean) post today asking about having a healthy relationship with food, and what that looks like. To be honest, I have no. stinking. idea. You don't get to 260 lbs by 18 having a healthy relationship with food and knowing how to eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. Let's be real.

But I've been on the other side too; meticulously counting every morsel that crossed my lips, and freaking out if it was over my "allowance" for the day. Or exercising even when I'm so tired I want to cry, because I "have" to. Neither is healthy.

I want to believe that I can get to a healthy relationship with food, where it's not all or nothing. Where I'm not either a) on a diet or b) bingeing myself into oblivion. Right now though? I just don't see it.

Today I'm tired. Emotionally. Physically. Metaphorically. Realistically. All the -ally's you can imagine. I had a mini-hissy fit (yes, you can be 25 and still have them- any sentence that starts with "I just don't wanna!" constitutes one) last week about... everything. You know those moments when you just hate everything and NOTHING is going right? I don't want to study for the midterms looming over my head, I don't want to think about eating healthy food, I don't want to spend my precious sleeping minutes at the gym- that sort of thing. Just a big whiny baby.

So today I'm not going to the gym. I'm staying home tonight, and dodged my commitments. I'm going to read, relax, and get my head on straight. I ate oatmeal for breakfast and lunch, because that's what I wanted. This certainly won't solve all my problems, but at least the sun might shine a little brighter tomorrow morning.

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